Days 14 and 15....Oh Energy, Where Art Though?

The last two days have proved to be a challenge. My energy reserves are just so very low. I can't figure out if it's just that I am super busy and not getting enough sleep or if there is something wrong...e.g. fighting off an infection, monthly cycle, or if my condition is worsening. Either way, something has got to give soon. I don't want to feel like I must force my way through the day anymore. At the very least I would like the energy to make it through without feeling like I am walking through mud, having some pep left over would be a bonus and gratefully recieved!

To wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the day ahead feels like a pipe dream at this point. It's been 2 full weeks of no gluten and my energy levels are not really changing....very disheartening.

But, as I look over my diet in the last two weeks, there has been lots of sugar and very few vegetables. I am going to start juicing again. Yup, you heard it here first folks...I'm gonna whip out the juicer.

Here is my commitment to myself. I'm counting on you to hold me accountable.

Less sugar, I'm unwilling to go cold turkey on this, but I can commit to less. One glass of fresh green juice most days with lunch or as an afternoon snack. Starting right now. No excuses, just actions. I need to take control of whatever I can....who controls what I eat?!?! I do dammit! I have decided to become friends with the vegetables in my fridge. BFF's. Yup.

Also, I will begin to add 3-4 workouts into my week and will report them here. Let's see if all this "health" stuff really works. I'm pretty skeptical and so is my couch, (and I won't even talk about how insecure the Coping Cake is right now).

Hypothesis:  Fresh Green Juice + Exercise x3 - Sugar = More Energy

*Note: I am still feeling quite possessive of my coffee creamer, but I am willing to reduce my use only to coffee.

I will check in with my energy levels on day twenty-eight to see if there is any significant changes. Send a prayer to the energy Gods for me, or to THEE God for more energy, whichever works for you. I can use all the help I can get.

Wednesday 4/3/13
Exercise: None, unless shopping at the mall counts...

Breakfast:
Oatmeal with creamer
1 Fried egg (in coconut oil)
1/2 of banana
1 Coffee with cream

Lunch:
Egg Salad Sammy
Apple
Coping cake

Dinner:
(In this order...)
Pineapple, orange coconut smoothie
Coping cake
Egg salad sammy
Grapes

Thursday 4/4/13
Exercise: 

Breakfast:
Oatmeal
1 Boiled egg
1 Coffee with cream

Lunch:
Coping cake (it's gone now and now I am done, no more coping cake unless there is an emergency)
Egg salad sammy

Snack:
Green juice - 2 handfuls of Baby greens, 1 inch of ginger (peeled and sliced), 2 granny smith apples, 1 wedge of lemon, and water

Dinner:
Turkey Sammy 5 cashew clusters Popcorn
Snack:

Day 12 and 13...Eating My Way to Health

I just realized that this Easter was my very first holiday of no gluten since I was diagnosed. The holidays are always a difficult time to eat differently than everyone else. I have always "allowed myself" just one "treat" on holidays. But, the treat is not really a treat.

The thing I think most people don't understand about food sensitivities is that it's not a diet. I am not trying to lose weight here folks. I am having an immune reaction to certain foods. These foods make my body turn into one big inflamed cell. They make me more susceptible to illness. Eating foods I am sensitive to literally makes me less likely to fight off germs when they attack.

And now that my friends and family understand this for the most part, it's easier to eat my way to a healthier life. Even on the holidays. Even at parties. Trust me, it not a reflection of whether you are a good cook if I turn down your food. It can take years to learn how to say no to your delicious food. Chances are I have eaten it even though I am fully aware that it will likely make me sick. It sucks, I know. I don't like turning down your cookies any more than you do.

Which is why I want to thank my family for being so supportive this Easter. For understanding that turning down the cookies is not personal. It's about my sensitive body. And nothing more.

But see, I don't need cookies to feel loved. In fact, a green smoothie is a much more loving gesture than a cookie. A green smoothie says, I want you to have energy and health. A green smoothie says I want you to live as long as possible.

So the next time you are around a "weird" eater like me, try not to take it too personally when they turn down your freshly baked yumminess, chances are it was really hard for them to say no.

In other news, I've been noticing some other possible addictions....sugar, tortilla chips and coffee creamer. I've decided to reduce the amounts of these things, but I can't decide how to do it...take one out each week? Limit the amount I allow within each day/week. Gradual seems to work best for me. And balance is essential. Any suggestions?

Monday 4/1/13
Breakfast:
2 GF french toast w/ real maple syrup
Apple
1 Coffee with cream

Lunch:
Black beans and Rice with salsa
Tortilla chips

Dinner:
Ham, white bean, and kale soup

Snack:
Oatmeal
3 mini packages of sour patch kids


Tuesday 1/2/13
Breakfast:
1 GF toast with real butter
1 scrambled egg
1 green apple
1 of my usual from Starbucks served in bed from my amazing husband.

Lunch:
1 egg salad sammy (on GF cardboard bread)
1 fresh tomato sliced with a touch of sea salt.

Snack:
1 gummy airplane
1 apple
1 green tea with a touch of honey

Dinner:
Ham soup

Dessert:
GF German Chocolate Coping Cake (This was needed because my sweet mother-in-law brought cupcakes for everyone, and I simply could not trust myself to watch my whole family eat cupcakes without stealing a bite!)

Day 11....Rebirth

Rebirth. That is what Easter is about right? I mean at it's core? So what better time to start anew, create new habits and gain a new perspective? What better time for Easter than Spring? A time to start over. A time for growth. 

At least that's what I've told myself. But, just like the Spring this year, my rebirth seems to be moving in fits and starts. The ice and gloom is melting very slowly. A day of sun and warmth, five days of clouds and snow...I know the color and warmth will come back, it's just that my patience is waning to a dangerously low level. 

Doesn't Spring know I'm waiting?!?! 

And doesn't my body know I'm waiting for it to catch up to the changes I have made?!?!

I'm tired of being exhausted. I'm tired of wearing a coat everywhere. I am so very bored with the gray and brown landscape in my view and my mind. Waiting is hard. But, life is hard sometimes isn't it? The struggles give shape and depth to our triumphs.

I crave color. I crave the sun. I crave the energy that comes along with the smell of fresh air. I crave rebirth of nature and myself. Maybe that's what this blog is all about. Allowing the old, dead branches that I no longer need fall away into the melting snow, so that new ones can grow. Putting one foot in front of the other and moving in the direction of my faith. Trusting that just like the Spring, my health will come too. 

Patience and faith. I can do that for a little longer...right? 

My Easter eating....no gluten, but too much sugar. I am hoping to make a dramatic decrease in sugar over the coming weak. I'm thinking sugar is a branch (or crutch) I may no longer need.

Breakfast:
1 Boiled egg
2 pieces of GF french toast with maple syrup
Apple

1 Coffee with cream

Lunch:
Roasted chicken and veggies

Dinner:
On the Border
3 GF mini chicken tacos
Tortilla chips

Snacks:
Easter candy! Not sure how much, lost count after the second Reece's egg. Let's just say that I had enough.
Movie Popcorn

Day 10....Semi-Successful Easter Eating

Today I had my first relapse of gluten eating in 10 days. Pretty disappointed in myself, but also completely forgiving. It was my first family gathering since re-committing to a gluten free lifestyle, so I'd say I did pretty well. Especially considering that I was ambushed by gluten filled deliciousness most of the day.

It was surprisingly easy to say no to most of the goodies tempting me. I just had to point to my sheriff badge and they went running. There really is something to this confidence thing those shrinks keep talking about. I've experienced an awesome mental shift that is grounded in self-care. It's not that I can't  eat dairy and gluten, it's that I don't eat them. I don't eat them because I feel better when I don't. Period. Approaching my commitment to healthy eating in this way is infinitely more empowering than saying "I can't"...as I never have done well with limits.

I will rebel when a limit is set. Every. Single. Time. 

Apparently, rebels run in my family. Not sure if rebellion qualifies as a DNA trait, but we do really hate rules. I mean really hate them.

I like to think my disdain for restriction stems from a strong spirit of independence, rather than anti-social tendencies, but what ev, judge if you must. If I feel a rule is interfering with my autonomy, I will resist. Even when said rule is for my own good, I am compelled to push its limits and investigate to find loopholes. 

If there is one thing being a rebel has taught me, it's that there are always exceptions to the rule. Always. Black and white simply don't exist, and while I am a fan of the book Fifty Shades of Grey, I would say a truer description of life is more like 10,000 shades of gray.

Below is my food diary, which is pretty damn amazing to this rebel without a cause, considering the circumstance.

Breakfast:
1.5 scrambled eggs
1/2 pkg oatmeal with splash of cream
1 Pear

Lunch:
3 pickles
4 deviled eggs
Tortilla chips
Hummus
Fruit salad

Dinner:
Ham
Potatoes
Fruit salad

Dessert:
GF German Chocolate Coping Cake
One bite of irresistible gluten filled peach berry pie

Snack:
1/2 of a small McD's fry
(Honestly cant believe I ate that much considering they were so salty that they literally burned my tongue, yuck!)

About 10 tortilla chips so I would not eat more of irresistible pie from above.

Day 9....A Truly "Good" Friday

Slept in today, woo-hoo! It was lovely. Really, really lovely. And...I worked out too. Walking quickly while getting talk therapy from a good friend counts as a workout, right? Especially when there is a lot of crazy hand waving as we talk? That has to be great for the arms! We were both out of breath at times, but I can't say if it was the walking or talking that took our breath away. Either way, I felt fabulous when we were done.

Feeling grateful today for a life full of family, friends, and laughter. Not sure it gets much better than this, even if my house gets pretty messy in the process. Nothing like a holiday to remind you of what's really important. Happy Easter my friends!

Just a heads up, weekend posts will begin to be much shorter, with a concentration mostly on what I ate. This blog is really about holding myself accountable to the goal of eating healthy and truly nourishing myself so I can heal. Thank you for coming along with me, and supporting this endeavor! I've been stewing on some more changes for the coming week, so stay tuned!

And here is what I today, not my proudest, or most balanced day of eating, but here it is....this is the season of forgiveness, right?

Breakfast:
1.5 Scrambled eggs and coconut
Pear
Coping cake

Coffee with...you guessed it, plenty of cream.

Lunch:

Fries
More Coping Cake
Potato chips

Don't hate the player, hate the game. It was all delicious, until...

Dinner:
The above was not my best effort, and while it was gluten free, it was not what I would call healthy (and led to one grumpy, under nourished mama around 5pm).

I redeemed myself with this (Along with a hard cider):

Roasted Veggies and Chicken

Day 7...Home

Today I woke up at 5:30 and promptly decided to go back to sleep. What is unique about that is this: I hesitated. The thought crossed my mind that perhaps I might like to stay awake, it is a small victory because I love sleep. With a capital L. You see folks, I like to call my self a mid-day-kinda-person, because while do I love the peace and quiet of the morning, I am not a morning person. I am also not a night person. If the sun is up, I am up. And that is how I like it. This leads to some hibernation tendencies in the winter, but for the most part it works well.

As I looked at my choice of food over the last week, I had to laugh at my obsession with sugar. I'm becoming very much aware that I am replacing bread with sugar. I've never considered myself a sweets-kinda-person. As a kid I had trouble eating my Halloween candy, there was always a bunch of it leftover at Christmas and I would have to throw it away. My dad would buy donuts every Sunday and I secretly hated it. Too rich and sugary for my sensitive tummy. I would much rather have some fruit and eggs please.

Which brings me to my point for today. These things about me make me uncomfortable, like maybe I don't fit in with the rest of the universe, I mean who doesn't like donuts? So I stay up late in spite of the fact that I really would rather be on my couch or in my bed reading no later than 9pm each night. It has taken me years to accept that maybe it's okay I am a daylight person. And further, I don't have to eat donuts if I don't want to. There I said it, I don't like donuts. I am who I am.

And while these things may seem superficial, I believe they are a symbol for how I feel about other bigger parts of me that don't seem to fit in with the rest of you "normal" donut-eating-sleep-hating-people. But today something great happened that reminded me I am already like everyone else. The song  I'll Make This Place Your Home came on the radio, and while that in and of itself is not special, the fact that I was wishing for it to come on did kinda make it special. You see this song reminds me that I belong, that I have a home. A special place where I am loved because of, rather in spite of my many flaws.

Hold on, to me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road

And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm going to make this place your home

There are times when I hear this song and think that I may not have ever heard anything more beautiful. Today was one of those days. It is a love song that we can just as easily sing to ourselves as we can to the ones we love. We just wanna know that we have a place where we can be seen and heard and loved. Warts and all. A home.

Know your not alone. I'm gonna make this place your home.

What if we made ourselves our home? What if we were comforted by our own skin? Home. In our own skin. 

Food for thought.

And speaking of food, here is what I ate today.



Breakfast:
1/2 Pkg oatmeal with splash of Creamer
Strawberries
1.5 eggs
1 Coffee - plenty of creamer!

Lunch:
Turkey Slices stacked on Avocado
1/2 of an orange
Tortilla chips
Caramel Rice cake

Snack:
2 Gummy worms

Dinner:
Chicken and Rice Stew
(Homemade - Chicken, rice, carrots, celery, onion, broth)

Dessert:
Caramel Ricecake w/Peanut butter (This was no coping cake folks, but it did the trick)

Day 8....A Pre-emptive Strike of Surrender

I was SUPER exhausted all day today. Not sure, but I suspect I may be catching my son's cold. My normal urges to push on in the name of productivity kicked in, and I was able to take care of some things in the morning, but by afternoon I thought I might pass out. And so I did. I parked myself on the couch and did not move until I felt better. It worked! Who would have thunk that surrendering (not pushing) would work.

When I feel a bug trying to take over my system my usual response is to deny it. I truly think if I don't say it out loud that it won't happen. I force my way through my life until I simply can't go on any longer. Guess what happens? I end up on the couch for 3-5 days unable to do anything. Yeah, that's super productive. This strategy is really not working for me. Time for a change. Time to appreciate my body's infinite wisdom and surrender to her messages.

So on the couch I rested. Unapologetically. Albeit with the slight discomfort of knowing there were things on my list not being crossed off. I just kept telling myself, "No worries, they'll be there tomorrow. And if not? Awesome."

Here is what I ate today...pay no attention to the junk food on the bottom.


Breakfast:
1/2 Pkg Oatmeal with a splash of cream
1/2 banana
1.5 eggs
Coffee with.....yup, more creamer

By the way the creamer is soy based not dairy, just thought I should mention that.

Lunch:
Turkey Sammy on GF bread (which was sort of like eating a cardboard sandwich)
Tortilla chips
2 gummy army men
1 handful of pistachios

I was starving by the time I ate which made me want to grab just about anything thing in site, real bread looks especially good when I am in that state, but I resisted with pure will.

Dinner:
Chicken and Rice Stew

Junk Food Attack:
Kettle cooked salt and vinegar chips (Not sure how many, but these are good because they hurt if you have too many! Eating the whole bag would be too painful, not that I have a tendancy to do such a thing)
More GF German Chocolate Cake, yay!