Days 1, 2, 3 and 4...Juice and I Get Re-aquainted.

So, onto the next habitual life improvement. Fresh green juice, everyday. While fruits and veggies and I aren't exactly enemies, we aren't as close as I'd like to be either. My goal is to make green food my best friend, so hopefully I'm not coming on too strong. I don't want scare them off like I did with bread.

It's been a challenge to get the juice in everyday, so I've been experimenting with different times to drink it. Mid afternoon seems to be the best. I do notice a gentle increase in energy after having some juice. It's the kind of energy where I just get up and start doing stuff and then an hour later I'm like, "Oh., hey look what I did and it wasn't even hard." There is also no noticeable crash from the energy increase. This is very different from the jittery-must-do-everything-NOW coffee buzz that I get. Juice energy gently rises and then falls into a natural state of normal tired. I'm not gonna lie, I really miss my coffee buzz, so I probably won't give up coffee completely, but I have gone 4 days without it and I've made it through alright. I do not, however, miss the dramatic plane crash that is me coming off of said coffee buzz.

Prepping is key to success when it comes to juicing. If all veggies and fruits are cut and prepped ahead of time, it takes 15 minutes to make juice and clean juicer. So I need to find a good time to make the juice and clean the juicer. Leaving the juicer dirty is not an option. I've tried that, trust me, the mess (or the stink) is not worth it. What does work well is pre-making "juice bags." This is where I spend about an hour to cut all fruits and veggies ahead of time and put the proper portions in a bag so that when it's juice time I can just dump them in and clean the juicer up.

I've come to an understanding that fresh juice is not going to be fast, and if I am committed to this I just have to accept that. Health takes time. It takes slowing down and paying attention not only to what is going into your mouth, but what is going into your mind. My fast paced-busy-every-minute-scheduled-lifestyle is probably what has made me sick in the first place. So if the definition of crazy is to keep doing that same thing over and over and expecting different results...sign me up. I'm definitely in the club. But, I'm learning. Slowly. Everything will not come at once, because it can't and things that come all at once are not sustainable for a lifetime. Slow changes, one step at a time. That's why the turtle wins the race right?

Here's to turtles and the rabbits that learn from them. And here's to hoping that this juicing thing will change my health so slowly that one day I'll need this blog to remember what my life was like before I started.

My food journal follows for the last 4 days...it's getting better and better everyday. Mostly.


Thursday 4/11/13
Exercise: Walked 3 miles with hubby. What? Two days in a row? That's how I role.
Energy: Eh...okay I guess. I did notice an uptick after my juice, but that could be a coincidence.

Breakfast: 
1.5 eggs
1 Apple
1/2 Pkg Oatmeal w/ 1 cream
2 Green teas with 1 cream each

Lunch:
3 Chicken lettuce wraps
Popcorn
Pineapple

Snack:
Green Juice - Pineapple, ginger, Swiss chard, spinach

Dinner:
Chicken Breast
1/2C Green beans
1/4C Rice

Dessert:
1 pkg chocolate covered pomegranates.

Friday 4/12/13
Exercise: Walked 6 miles while wildly waving my arms as I talked with a friend. Best. Workout. Ever.
Energy: Tired, again. Even after drinking juice.

Breakfast:
1/2C Yogurt
1/4C Granola
1/2C Pineapple
1 Green Tea w/ 1 cream

Lunch:
Turkey Sammy
Pear

Snack:
Green Juice (2 apples, Kale, Ginger, Parsley)

Dinner:
4 Mini Street Tacos
Tortilla chips
3 Mini Margaritas

Saturday 4/13/13
Exercise: Cleaned my house?
Energy: Even lower than the last 2 days, although that may have something to do with the 3 margaritas from above and staying up until 3am....maybe. The juice helped temporarily.

Breakfast:
1/2 package of oatmeal w/ 1 cream
1.5 scrambled eggs
1 pear
Green tea w/ 1 cream

Lunch:
Rice, black beans, salsa, and avocado

Snack:
Green Juice: (Kale, 2 apples, Ginger, and Parsley

Dinner:
Chinese...
Fried rice
Chicken and Pea pods

Dessert:
Flourless Chocolate Cupcake

Sunday 4/14/13
Exercise: Hot bath with a good book and great music....also cleaning up from family craft day.
Energy: Stable, steady, smooth and mostly calm. Juice at dinner was good, except I was too energetic to go to sleep. Need to have juice earlier.

Breakfast:
Water w/Cayenne pepper
Green powder mix
1/2C Yogurt
1/2C Pineapple
1/4C Granola

Lunch:
Tortilla chips
Hummus
5 Sandwich slice pickles
1 Green tea w/ 1 Cream

Snack:
Flourless Chocolate cupcake

Dinner:
This!
Tandoori chicken over basmati rice....it looked nothing like the picture but it was good :-)
Green Juice (kale, carrots, parsley, ginger, 2 apples)

Dessert:
None...true story.

Days 20 and 21....A New Habit is Formed

Well, I made it. The three week mark that successfully solidifies a new habit. Aaaaaand...I'm doing great! I think. My energy is still not where I would like it to be, but my Showdown with bread is falling into a distant memory. We are coexisting peacefully, except at restaurants that make exceptionally good gluten products like Panera. I feel like the recovering sharks from 'Finding Nemo' swimming in a tank filled with a school of fish saying 'eat me'! It's probably not the healthiest place for me. As I have said over and over again the last three weeks, lesson learned.

Practicing the self-discipline it takes to go gluten free feels good. I admit that I have consciously ingested one bite of gluten on a holiday, but that is okay with me. Success! The cravings are weakening and I find my most dangerous times are when I have not planned well for food. All bets are off if I get hangry (anger caused by hunger). Costco has helped with this, they have a surprisingly large selection of GF snacks in very large quantities. Also, the coping cake. Let's not forget the Coping Cake...I couldn't have done it without you.

I feel like I am finally figuring out how to practice self-discipline without beating myself up in the process. Practicing life changes with gentleness is a constant process that takes both awareness and forgiveness, I'm getting better at this too.

I am still working on the 'more green juice' piece of my healing. It just feels so exhausting to get the juicer out and clean it on most days. Perhaps I need to do a 21-day habit challenge? Yes I think so. The Happiness Advantage says that you are more likely to do something if you take just 20-sec off of the time it takes to accomplish your desired behavior. Hmmm....how can I take 20-sec off the cleaning of the juicer, any suggestions?

Okay, tomorrow I start the count over....21 days dedicated to drinking 1 glass of fresh juice everyday. The only way to get better and faster at something is to practice, right? You will begin to notice an energy section in my food diary so I can track if the juicing thing is really working. Wish me success, and energy too, if you have some to spare.


Tuesday 4/9/13
Exercise: Reading Cary On, Warrior while listening to the rain and thunder outside. It was heavenly. My eyes were moving quickly so I'm sure I was burning plenty of calories.

Breakfast: 
1/2 pack of Oatmeal with 1 pack of cream
Tangerine
1.5 Scrambled eggs

Lunch:
Chicken breast
Tortilla chips
Green juice (spinach, lemon, ginger, and granny smith apples)

Dinner:
Chicken GF/DF nachos

Wednesday 4/10/13
Exercise: 1 hour on the elliptical, for real! Started with 30, then added 20, and then another 10! Super proud of myself for doing this as you can tell by all o the exclamation points. See I told ya the real thing would show up...


Breakfast:
1/2C Yogurt
1/4C Granola
1/2 Banana
Green Tea w/ 1 creamer (I bought a pack of Individual International delight vanilla flavored creamer at Costco...I know this is not good for the environment and believe me I feel guilty every time I throw the little blue plastic container in recycling.), BUT I also want to monitor my cream intake more, because frankly, it was getting out of hand. Did you now that one of those packs has 30 calories? Me neither....I am promising myself that when this package of 182 creams is gone that I will make the homemade versions I found on pinterest, girl scouts honor).

Lunch:
2 Chicken lettuce wraps
1 Pkg 100 cal popcorn
1 Apple

Dinner:
Turkey Sandwich w/ lettuce
6 Baby Carrots
1 Apple

Snack:
1 Handful of popcorn
1 100 cal pack of chocolate covered dried pomegranates (deeeelish!)
1 GF Energy bar

Day 18 and 19....On Being Gentle.

A few years back, maybe five, a dear friend introduced a new phrase into my life: Be gentle with yourself. I have to admit that at the time I really didn't know what the hell she meant. Be gentle with myself? Had she seen my life? Did she even know me at all?! I was too busy living fast and hard! No, not the drugs, sex, and rock & roll lifestyle. It was more the breastfeeding, babies, and playdates kind of life back then. Yeah, sure we stayed up all night, but I can assure you there was very little sex involved, and all the rocking was done in a chair.

Gentle. Pfft. I was too busy maintaining the perception of being a perfect parent. And that, my friends, was exhausting. There is no time for being polite to yourself when your house of cards might crumble at any given moment, forget gentle.

Here's the thing about having babies: It rocks your world. On. Every. Single. Level.

Everything you knew about life - mentally, physically, spiritually - changes. Not in an instant like the movies and fairytales say, it's more of a slow evolution. Through trial and error of desperately holding onto your pre-baby life, you learn that things are not ever going to be the same. For example, you learn that you can do very well on surprisingly little sleep. You learn that going out and partying until 4am creates a hangover that might actually KILL you. You learn that miracles exist every time your baby smiles. Oh yes and this, you learn there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Eventually.

The perfect parent is a myth parenting magazines and manufacturers have created to sell you new things. Don't get me wrong, some of those things are really, really great. But, none of them will make you a perfect parent. Not even the wipe warmer, I know it seems like something a perfect parent would use, but I have yet to meet a parent who has purchased one and actually used it.

Now, granted, I am a little slow, but it took me years to figure this out. In fact, I'm still trying to figure it out because I still want to believe the perfect parent exists. That I can somehow capture the "perfect parent essence" by finding the right book or piece of advice or service that will make everything fall into place. Then again, I still kind of believe in unicorns too.

I guess my point is this. Please do be gentle with yourself, because if you wait to be kind to yourself until everything lines up just so, it would be like waiting your whole life for a pink unicorn to show up on your front porch. And no matter how much we want to believe this could happen, I think we can all agree that it would be a tragic way to live.

Be gentle with yourselves my friends, because as Glennon Doyle says, we can do hard things.


My eating for the last 2 days follows. I hope you will notice the conspicuous decrease in sugar...and I hope you will not notice the lack of green juice. I'm trying friends. I'm trying. Also please play along with what I count as exercise...maybe someday, the real thing will show up, then again maybe a pink unicorn will magically appear on my doorstep too.

Sunday 4/7/13
Exercise: Sitting at my computer working on a presentation counts right?

Breakfast:
Water with cayenne pepper and lemon
1/2 pack of oatmeal
Mini tangerine
1.5 scrambled eggs
1 Grande, soy, 1.5 pump caramel macchiato

Lunch:
2 Turkey lettuce wraps
1 Apple
1 bag of popcorn (100 calorie pack)
Water


Dinner:
Chicken fajita nachos:
Chicken breast cooked in crockpot with various spices
Tortilla chips
Daiya chedder "cheese"
Lettuce
Tomato

Dessert:
Lemon Popsicle


Monday 4/8/13
Exercise: Working frantically on a presentation for school for 8 hours straight and then giving said presentation. That has to burn a good amount of calories.

Breakfast:
1/2C vanilla yogurt
1/4C GF Granola (granola has a lot of calories, 80 in just a 1/4 cup - weird)
1 Apple
Lunch:
Taco salad
Only 4 Tortilla chips (this feels kinda like a miracle to me.)
Snack:
Popcorn
Dinner:
Chicken breast with taco seasoning
Tortilla chips

Day 16 and 17....Still Waiting

My energy is still at very low levels, I have not really stuck to my commitments very well the last two days. I want to, I really do, and then life just sorta gets in the way. Planning is not a strong point when I have low energy, and going to Costco was not necessarily the best choice either (Have you been there? I can't decide if it is heaven or hell).

Today was a better day though, probably aided by the fact that the whole family slept in till ten. Man do I love sleep right now. I just can't seem to get enough. But, that may be caused by staying up until midnight - even on school nights. This has to stop, I just can't seem to get over the time change...I swear to you 11 O'clock was my limit before time change and now I just can't get to bed before midnight. I truly believe the people behind the time change are evil. Pretty sure they are just messing with all of us. Seriously, what is the purpose of this arbitrary madness?!?! They just take a whole hour away overnight?!?! Really? REALLY? And we are all supposed to just pretend like it never happened? Where the hell did my hour go? I needed that hour!

Okay, enough ranting and resisting the inevitable...below is my eating for the last 2 days. I can't say I am proud, but hey I am sticking to this GF thing. And I did have less sugar. AND I exercised. I'm getting there. I've never been an all at once kinda girl anyway. Gradual movements. One step at a time. So far I am still waiting to be impressed by this whole health kick thing.


Friday 4/5/13

Exercise: None...drove 4 hours instead to see my mom, which explains some of the interesting choices of food below.

Breakfast:
Oatmeal with cream
1/2 banana
Coffee with cream

Lunch:
Potato chips
Sloppy Joe (no bread)
Fried Potatoes

Snack:
Popcorn
Rice crispy treat

Dinner:
Fried Egg sandwich
Green juice
Beer

Saturday 4/6/13

Exercise: Walked 5 miles with my sweet hubby

Breakfast:

1/2 C Vanilla yogurt

1/4 C GF granola

1 Small Mango

Coffee with cream

Lunch:

Panera - which is like torture to someone who doesn't eat gluten. I almost attacked my sons baguette 3 times. Seriously, I felt like a newborn vampire from Twilight. It took all I had to maintain control and just eat my salad. 

Asian Sesame Chicken Salad (minus won tons)

Potato chips (I really do love potato chips almost as much as bread, they are my friend)

Green tea with cream (I know I promised I would only add cream to coffee, but frankly, I forgot)

Snack:
No Dinner today...ate lunch way too late to have any real dinner

1 handful of Chicago style popcorn
5 tortilla chips
2 Cashew Clusters (Have I mentioned how heavenly these are?)
2 well earned Hard Ciders

Days 14 and 15....Oh Energy, Where Art Though?

The last two days have proved to be a challenge. My energy reserves are just so very low. I can't figure out if it's just that I am super busy and not getting enough sleep or if there is something wrong...e.g. fighting off an infection, monthly cycle, or if my condition is worsening. Either way, something has got to give soon. I don't want to feel like I must force my way through the day anymore. At the very least I would like the energy to make it through without feeling like I am walking through mud, having some pep left over would be a bonus and gratefully recieved!

To wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the day ahead feels like a pipe dream at this point. It's been 2 full weeks of no gluten and my energy levels are not really changing....very disheartening.

But, as I look over my diet in the last two weeks, there has been lots of sugar and very few vegetables. I am going to start juicing again. Yup, you heard it here first folks...I'm gonna whip out the juicer.

Here is my commitment to myself. I'm counting on you to hold me accountable.

Less sugar, I'm unwilling to go cold turkey on this, but I can commit to less. One glass of fresh green juice most days with lunch or as an afternoon snack. Starting right now. No excuses, just actions. I need to take control of whatever I can....who controls what I eat?!?! I do dammit! I have decided to become friends with the vegetables in my fridge. BFF's. Yup.

Also, I will begin to add 3-4 workouts into my week and will report them here. Let's see if all this "health" stuff really works. I'm pretty skeptical and so is my couch, (and I won't even talk about how insecure the Coping Cake is right now).

Hypothesis:  Fresh Green Juice + Exercise x3 - Sugar = More Energy

*Note: I am still feeling quite possessive of my coffee creamer, but I am willing to reduce my use only to coffee.

I will check in with my energy levels on day twenty-eight to see if there is any significant changes. Send a prayer to the energy Gods for me, or to THEE God for more energy, whichever works for you. I can use all the help I can get.

Wednesday 4/3/13
Exercise: None, unless shopping at the mall counts...

Breakfast:
Oatmeal with creamer
1 Fried egg (in coconut oil)
1/2 of banana
1 Coffee with cream

Lunch:
Egg Salad Sammy
Apple
Coping cake

Dinner:
(In this order...)
Pineapple, orange coconut smoothie
Coping cake
Egg salad sammy
Grapes

Thursday 4/4/13
Exercise: 

Breakfast:
Oatmeal
1 Boiled egg
1 Coffee with cream

Lunch:
Coping cake (it's gone now and now I am done, no more coping cake unless there is an emergency)
Egg salad sammy

Snack:
Green juice - 2 handfuls of Baby greens, 1 inch of ginger (peeled and sliced), 2 granny smith apples, 1 wedge of lemon, and water

Dinner:
Turkey Sammy 5 cashew clusters Popcorn
Snack:

Day 12 and 13...Eating My Way to Health

I just realized that this Easter was my very first holiday of no gluten since I was diagnosed. The holidays are always a difficult time to eat differently than everyone else. I have always "allowed myself" just one "treat" on holidays. But, the treat is not really a treat.

The thing I think most people don't understand about food sensitivities is that it's not a diet. I am not trying to lose weight here folks. I am having an immune reaction to certain foods. These foods make my body turn into one big inflamed cell. They make me more susceptible to illness. Eating foods I am sensitive to literally makes me less likely to fight off germs when they attack.

And now that my friends and family understand this for the most part, it's easier to eat my way to a healthier life. Even on the holidays. Even at parties. Trust me, it not a reflection of whether you are a good cook if I turn down your food. It can take years to learn how to say no to your delicious food. Chances are I have eaten it even though I am fully aware that it will likely make me sick. It sucks, I know. I don't like turning down your cookies any more than you do.

Which is why I want to thank my family for being so supportive this Easter. For understanding that turning down the cookies is not personal. It's about my sensitive body. And nothing more.

But see, I don't need cookies to feel loved. In fact, a green smoothie is a much more loving gesture than a cookie. A green smoothie says, I want you to have energy and health. A green smoothie says I want you to live as long as possible.

So the next time you are around a "weird" eater like me, try not to take it too personally when they turn down your freshly baked yumminess, chances are it was really hard for them to say no.

In other news, I've been noticing some other possible addictions....sugar, tortilla chips and coffee creamer. I've decided to reduce the amounts of these things, but I can't decide how to do it...take one out each week? Limit the amount I allow within each day/week. Gradual seems to work best for me. And balance is essential. Any suggestions?

Monday 4/1/13
Breakfast:
2 GF french toast w/ real maple syrup
Apple
1 Coffee with cream

Lunch:
Black beans and Rice with salsa
Tortilla chips

Dinner:
Ham, white bean, and kale soup

Snack:
Oatmeal
3 mini packages of sour patch kids


Tuesday 1/2/13
Breakfast:
1 GF toast with real butter
1 scrambled egg
1 green apple
1 of my usual from Starbucks served in bed from my amazing husband.

Lunch:
1 egg salad sammy (on GF cardboard bread)
1 fresh tomato sliced with a touch of sea salt.

Snack:
1 gummy airplane
1 apple
1 green tea with a touch of honey

Dinner:
Ham soup

Dessert:
GF German Chocolate Coping Cake (This was needed because my sweet mother-in-law brought cupcakes for everyone, and I simply could not trust myself to watch my whole family eat cupcakes without stealing a bite!)

Day 11....Rebirth

Rebirth. That is what Easter is about right? I mean at it's core? So what better time to start anew, create new habits and gain a new perspective? What better time for Easter than Spring? A time to start over. A time for growth. 

At least that's what I've told myself. But, just like the Spring this year, my rebirth seems to be moving in fits and starts. The ice and gloom is melting very slowly. A day of sun and warmth, five days of clouds and snow...I know the color and warmth will come back, it's just that my patience is waning to a dangerously low level. 

Doesn't Spring know I'm waiting?!?! 

And doesn't my body know I'm waiting for it to catch up to the changes I have made?!?!

I'm tired of being exhausted. I'm tired of wearing a coat everywhere. I am so very bored with the gray and brown landscape in my view and my mind. Waiting is hard. But, life is hard sometimes isn't it? The struggles give shape and depth to our triumphs.

I crave color. I crave the sun. I crave the energy that comes along with the smell of fresh air. I crave rebirth of nature and myself. Maybe that's what this blog is all about. Allowing the old, dead branches that I no longer need fall away into the melting snow, so that new ones can grow. Putting one foot in front of the other and moving in the direction of my faith. Trusting that just like the Spring, my health will come too. 

Patience and faith. I can do that for a little longer...right? 

My Easter eating....no gluten, but too much sugar. I am hoping to make a dramatic decrease in sugar over the coming weak. I'm thinking sugar is a branch (or crutch) I may no longer need.

Breakfast:
1 Boiled egg
2 pieces of GF french toast with maple syrup
Apple

1 Coffee with cream

Lunch:
Roasted chicken and veggies

Dinner:
On the Border
3 GF mini chicken tacos
Tortilla chips

Snacks:
Easter candy! Not sure how much, lost count after the second Reece's egg. Let's just say that I had enough.
Movie Popcorn

Day 10....Semi-Successful Easter Eating

Today I had my first relapse of gluten eating in 10 days. Pretty disappointed in myself, but also completely forgiving. It was my first family gathering since re-committing to a gluten free lifestyle, so I'd say I did pretty well. Especially considering that I was ambushed by gluten filled deliciousness most of the day.

It was surprisingly easy to say no to most of the goodies tempting me. I just had to point to my sheriff badge and they went running. There really is something to this confidence thing those shrinks keep talking about. I've experienced an awesome mental shift that is grounded in self-care. It's not that I can't  eat dairy and gluten, it's that I don't eat them. I don't eat them because I feel better when I don't. Period. Approaching my commitment to healthy eating in this way is infinitely more empowering than saying "I can't"...as I never have done well with limits.

I will rebel when a limit is set. Every. Single. Time. 

Apparently, rebels run in my family. Not sure if rebellion qualifies as a DNA trait, but we do really hate rules. I mean really hate them.

I like to think my disdain for restriction stems from a strong spirit of independence, rather than anti-social tendencies, but what ev, judge if you must. If I feel a rule is interfering with my autonomy, I will resist. Even when said rule is for my own good, I am compelled to push its limits and investigate to find loopholes. 

If there is one thing being a rebel has taught me, it's that there are always exceptions to the rule. Always. Black and white simply don't exist, and while I am a fan of the book Fifty Shades of Grey, I would say a truer description of life is more like 10,000 shades of gray.

Below is my food diary, which is pretty damn amazing to this rebel without a cause, considering the circumstance.

Breakfast:
1.5 scrambled eggs
1/2 pkg oatmeal with splash of cream
1 Pear

Lunch:
3 pickles
4 deviled eggs
Tortilla chips
Hummus
Fruit salad

Dinner:
Ham
Potatoes
Fruit salad

Dessert:
GF German Chocolate Coping Cake
One bite of irresistible gluten filled peach berry pie

Snack:
1/2 of a small McD's fry
(Honestly cant believe I ate that much considering they were so salty that they literally burned my tongue, yuck!)

About 10 tortilla chips so I would not eat more of irresistible pie from above.

Day 9....A Truly "Good" Friday

Slept in today, woo-hoo! It was lovely. Really, really lovely. And...I worked out too. Walking quickly while getting talk therapy from a good friend counts as a workout, right? Especially when there is a lot of crazy hand waving as we talk? That has to be great for the arms! We were both out of breath at times, but I can't say if it was the walking or talking that took our breath away. Either way, I felt fabulous when we were done.

Feeling grateful today for a life full of family, friends, and laughter. Not sure it gets much better than this, even if my house gets pretty messy in the process. Nothing like a holiday to remind you of what's really important. Happy Easter my friends!

Just a heads up, weekend posts will begin to be much shorter, with a concentration mostly on what I ate. This blog is really about holding myself accountable to the goal of eating healthy and truly nourishing myself so I can heal. Thank you for coming along with me, and supporting this endeavor! I've been stewing on some more changes for the coming week, so stay tuned!

And here is what I today, not my proudest, or most balanced day of eating, but here it is....this is the season of forgiveness, right?

Breakfast:
1.5 Scrambled eggs and coconut
Pear
Coping cake

Coffee with...you guessed it, plenty of cream.

Lunch:

Fries
More Coping Cake
Potato chips

Don't hate the player, hate the game. It was all delicious, until...

Dinner:
The above was not my best effort, and while it was gluten free, it was not what I would call healthy (and led to one grumpy, under nourished mama around 5pm).

I redeemed myself with this (Along with a hard cider):

Roasted Veggies and Chicken

Day 7...Home

Today I woke up at 5:30 and promptly decided to go back to sleep. What is unique about that is this: I hesitated. The thought crossed my mind that perhaps I might like to stay awake, it is a small victory because I love sleep. With a capital L. You see folks, I like to call my self a mid-day-kinda-person, because while do I love the peace and quiet of the morning, I am not a morning person. I am also not a night person. If the sun is up, I am up. And that is how I like it. This leads to some hibernation tendencies in the winter, but for the most part it works well.

As I looked at my choice of food over the last week, I had to laugh at my obsession with sugar. I'm becoming very much aware that I am replacing bread with sugar. I've never considered myself a sweets-kinda-person. As a kid I had trouble eating my Halloween candy, there was always a bunch of it leftover at Christmas and I would have to throw it away. My dad would buy donuts every Sunday and I secretly hated it. Too rich and sugary for my sensitive tummy. I would much rather have some fruit and eggs please.

Which brings me to my point for today. These things about me make me uncomfortable, like maybe I don't fit in with the rest of the universe, I mean who doesn't like donuts? So I stay up late in spite of the fact that I really would rather be on my couch or in my bed reading no later than 9pm each night. It has taken me years to accept that maybe it's okay I am a daylight person. And further, I don't have to eat donuts if I don't want to. There I said it, I don't like donuts. I am who I am.

And while these things may seem superficial, I believe they are a symbol for how I feel about other bigger parts of me that don't seem to fit in with the rest of you "normal" donut-eating-sleep-hating-people. But today something great happened that reminded me I am already like everyone else. The song  I'll Make This Place Your Home came on the radio, and while that in and of itself is not special, the fact that I was wishing for it to come on did kinda make it special. You see this song reminds me that I belong, that I have a home. A special place where I am loved because of, rather in spite of my many flaws.

Hold on, to me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road

And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm going to make this place your home

There are times when I hear this song and think that I may not have ever heard anything more beautiful. Today was one of those days. It is a love song that we can just as easily sing to ourselves as we can to the ones we love. We just wanna know that we have a place where we can be seen and heard and loved. Warts and all. A home.

Know your not alone. I'm gonna make this place your home.

What if we made ourselves our home? What if we were comforted by our own skin? Home. In our own skin. 

Food for thought.

And speaking of food, here is what I ate today.



Breakfast:
1/2 Pkg oatmeal with splash of Creamer
Strawberries
1.5 eggs
1 Coffee - plenty of creamer!

Lunch:
Turkey Slices stacked on Avocado
1/2 of an orange
Tortilla chips
Caramel Rice cake

Snack:
2 Gummy worms

Dinner:
Chicken and Rice Stew
(Homemade - Chicken, rice, carrots, celery, onion, broth)

Dessert:
Caramel Ricecake w/Peanut butter (This was no coping cake folks, but it did the trick)

Day 8....A Pre-emptive Strike of Surrender

I was SUPER exhausted all day today. Not sure, but I suspect I may be catching my son's cold. My normal urges to push on in the name of productivity kicked in, and I was able to take care of some things in the morning, but by afternoon I thought I might pass out. And so I did. I parked myself on the couch and did not move until I felt better. It worked! Who would have thunk that surrendering (not pushing) would work.

When I feel a bug trying to take over my system my usual response is to deny it. I truly think if I don't say it out loud that it won't happen. I force my way through my life until I simply can't go on any longer. Guess what happens? I end up on the couch for 3-5 days unable to do anything. Yeah, that's super productive. This strategy is really not working for me. Time for a change. Time to appreciate my body's infinite wisdom and surrender to her messages.

So on the couch I rested. Unapologetically. Albeit with the slight discomfort of knowing there were things on my list not being crossed off. I just kept telling myself, "No worries, they'll be there tomorrow. And if not? Awesome."

Here is what I ate today...pay no attention to the junk food on the bottom.


Breakfast:
1/2 Pkg Oatmeal with a splash of cream
1/2 banana
1.5 eggs
Coffee with.....yup, more creamer

By the way the creamer is soy based not dairy, just thought I should mention that.

Lunch:
Turkey Sammy on GF bread (which was sort of like eating a cardboard sandwich)
Tortilla chips
2 gummy army men
1 handful of pistachios

I was starving by the time I ate which made me want to grab just about anything thing in site, real bread looks especially good when I am in that state, but I resisted with pure will.

Dinner:
Chicken and Rice Stew

Junk Food Attack:
Kettle cooked salt and vinegar chips (Not sure how many, but these are good because they hurt if you have too many! Eating the whole bag would be too painful, not that I have a tendancy to do such a thing)
More GF German Chocolate Cake, yay!

Day 6....Coping Cake

Well, there was not as much bounce in my step when getting out of bed this morning. But, it wasn't too bad. I only pressed snooze once, okay maybe twice. I did feel pretty tired, but not overwhelmingly. Just sort of calm and even energy.

I am noticing that my willpower is waning today. Bread started some of it's rotten shenanigans again, so I had to bring out my sheriff star to remind it who's boss. My kids LOVE bread and butter for a snack and so every time I had to bring out the loaf for my wee ones, bread was all like, "You know you want me. You know I want yoooou. You know you want meeeeee. You know I want you." in his best impression of Pitbull and I have to admit, at one point I had the bread in my mouth taking a bite without even realizing it. Once I became conscious, I was able to put the bread down and slowly back away, but man. That was hard.

In the book, The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Anchor, he talks about how we humans have a finite amount of willpower on any given day. You start the day with all of your willpower charged up, sort of like your cell phone. But, as the day progresses, the green bar begins to fade away. It's always perplexed me that some days I feel charged all day long, and at the end of the day the green bar is still really prominent. But other days, it's like I forgot to plug in my battery at all.

So, what Anchor says (and what the research says) is that we need to use our willpower wisely. You can literally use up a big portion of your daily dose of will just getting out of bed. Think about all of those little things (and sometimes huge things) we force ourselves to do every single day. Eat breakfast. Work out. Have patience with the kids. Have patience with our spouse. Have patience with our co-workers. Not flip off of the guy who just cut us off on the freeway. You get it, right? By the end of the day we are exhausted, and then there is another list of to-dos. Make a healthy dinner. Run the kids around to their activities. Run yourself around to your activities. Not eat the whole bag of cookies sitting on your counter. The further we get into our day, the harder it is to stay away from those cookies on the counter. It's no wonder that we have no willpower when our lives are so full of "must-do's."

Here's the thing, our brains don't really like to think. Our brains like to be on automatic to conserve energy and be efficient. Hence habits. Think about it, have you ever driven home, pulled in the driveway and thought, I don't remember getting here? Kinda freaky I know, but this is your brain functioning in the way it is supposed to. Thinking about every little move we make is taxing, and in prehistoric times dangerous. So to put this into context, when we do have to think and even force ourselves through our day, we are exhausted, unhappy, and less likely to reach our goals.

The solution? Remove unnecessary obstacles. Research has shown that we are significantly less likely to do something if we add just 20 seconds to that task. Anchor's advice is that if you are trying to create a new habit, simply subtract 20 seconds from the task. Create an environment that is conducive to the success you want.

So, in my battle with bread that means placing the bread out of sight. And not only placing it out of site, but in a place that is "difficult" to get to. Basically, I need to throw bread's ass in jail, which works out seeing as how I am sheriff. Now, if only I could use the Jedi Mind Trick to convince my children that this bread is not the bread they are looking for...

Anywho, below you will find what I ate today. My Coping Cake is gone which makes me sad. I will miss him dearly, but he is replaceable, I saw a gluten free pumpkin pie at . And I just might need to stop by and pick him up, seeing how I want to conserve all of my willpower for bread and all.

Horrocks

Breakfast:
1/2 pkg oatmeal
1.5 scrambled eggs
1 Kiwi fruit
1 FREE Grande, soy, 1.5 pump Caramel Macchiato (Oh starbucks you get me! You really get me!)

Lunch:
1 cup cooked Broccoli
1/4 Cup of raisins
6oz grilled chicken
Sesame ginger dressing
 (All mixed together, would have been even better with a handful of blanched almond)
Handful of GF tortillas
Coping cake - really unsure how much, but it is getting low.

Dinner:
Chicken and Rice Stew
Some tortilla chips
The Last of the Coping Cake
1 Woodchuck Hard Cider

Day 5...Something's Happening Here.

A very rare and very weird thing happened this morning. I woke up AHEAD of my alarm. And before you morning people start dismissing this occurrence, you should know that this never happens. I mean NEVER. My inability to wake in the morning has led to an intense hate relationship with the alarm clock (notice there is NO love in that statement). I've even programmed the thing to say, "Time to get up and have a great day Shawna!" I thought this would make me like it a little bit, but nope, I hate her even more (you see your alarm clock more as a woman too, right?)

So you can imagine my surprise when I woke up at 6:29, ready to be awake for the day. Don't get me wrong, I still laid there until 7:00 enjoying my soft, warm blankies, but I was impressed with myself for having my eyes open most of that time.

Maybe there is something to this Gluten sensitivity thing after all. Yes, it's been two years, but I am still in denial. That's the thing about food sensitivities, you live your whole life feeling kind of crappy most of the time. You find out what the culprit is, but since it hasn't killed you and you are still basically functioning, it's like "Eh, I don't REALLY need to give that up." The truth is, we are likely addicted to the foods that are hurting us most. These are the foods we eat more than any other, almost compulsively and totally unconsciously. Giving up "our precious" (think Gollum from Lord of the Rings) is the very last thing we want to do, we hear ourselves say things like, "You will take bread from my cold dead hands doctor!" or "It's just a sensitivity, I can have a little" (To be interpreted as: As much as I need to make myself feel better, which may be the whole loaf).

It's an invisible disorder, this food sensitivity thing. The medical community is not in agreement about whether it even exists This makes it harder to accept and leads to a bit of schizophrenia for the diagnosed. "Is this diagnosis real? Am I crazy or does my stomach hurt real bad after I eat bread?" And then we eliminate foods that are causing chronic inflammation and we magically feel better. And it really does feel like magic, because we just don't want to believe that our dear old friend bread (or whatever the culprit may be) might be hurting us. I often find myself asking, "Is this a placebo effect or is there something real going on here? Do I really need to turn down the fresh bread sitting before me?" I've found how I answer those questions depends on my mental state in the moment, but there is always a hesitation. It is always hard to answer.

My experience this morning makes me want to believe it is real. Four days of no gluten (well, minimal amounts after the oatmeal debacle) and I am ready and even eager to get out of bed at 6:30? This is not normal for me folks. I repeat, NOT normal. And I even had cake yesterday. For dinner! For dinner people. Nope somethings happening here...I hope. We shall see how I feel about waking up tomorrow. I will keep you posted. In the meantime, here is a list of what I ate today.

Breakfast:
1.5 Scrambled eggs cooked in coconut oil
1 Apple
1/2 Pkg of GF (this time) Oatmeal with a splash of creamer
1 coffee with lots of creamer

Snack:
2 Gummy army guys, which was surprisingly good
2 Gummy worms
4 bites of cake

Lunch:
2 Turkey Lettuce wraps
15 grapes
A giant piece of my German Chocolate Coping Cake (that is what I am calling it now and he is my friend, I leave him on the counter with a spoon close by in case I NEED him)

Dinner:
Chicken and Rice Stew
3 bites of Coping Cake

Energy Level: 5 on a scale of 10. Pretty steady if I do say so myself.

Day 4....Anchoring Myself

I awoke this morning with a fear hangover. After recieving a call that my mother was in a car accident I wandered around my house for hours in a state of anxiety until I knew she was alright. I was consumed by the what-ifs. What-ifs so dark and scary that I dare not repeat them here. I came to the conclusion that, frankly, there are simply too many words left unsaid to allow her to to fly off with the angels just yet. And while I am aware I don't get to choose when she leaves this world, I do have the choice and the opportunity to say those things now. (And I will...just as soon as I do one more load of laundry. That is how we procrastinate on these things isn't it?)

I won't drone on about how we all need to appreciate each moment or be more present...blah, blah, blah. You've all heard that before. You know what to do.

The trick is acting on our opportunities to do really scary and really vulnerable things like...saying how we feel to the people we love most. We live in a culture of superficiality and niceties. A culture where "the cult of personality" trumps values and character. A culture where showing our soft underbelly to the world, even to those we hold most dear, feels downright dangerous.

And yet, there are people who somehow muster the courage to be authentic. People who tell us in no uncertain terms, that we are loved. People who hold their worthiness within themselves like an anchor. It grounds them, and sometimes us, in rough seas. My hope is that I can someday be one of those anchor people (No, not the kind on Fox news). A person who lives with her heart not on her sleeve, but on her whole body. A woman who is still just as afraid to show up and be real as everyone else, but does it anyway. Because to do or be or say anything else would be like drowning in an invisible sea.

Maybe my plight with gluten is meaningless. But maybe it's not. Taking my health into my own hands feels like sailing to a brave new world. A world to which I will navigate with my anchor in tow. So that when the seas get too stormy and I feel myself slipping away, I can ground my vessel and fight for my rightful spot in this place I call "me". I am worthy of healthy eating, and just in case you had any doubt...So. Are. You.

Sail on my friends. Sail on.

(And remember to bring your anchor)


Breakfast:
4 Slices of polenta
1.5 scrambled eggs
1 apple
1 Coffee with plenty of creamer
1 Green tea again with plenty of creamer

Lunch:
Chilly from Horrocks
A lot of GF Blue tortilla chips (As my hubby would say, only grandmas count!)
1/2 of a vitamin water

Dinner:
GF German chocolate cake (Don't be a hater, I decided to have dessert first and then I was too full for soup. It was totally and absolutely worth it).

Day 3...Saturdays are for Resting

Relaxing Saturday! Sleeping in, yay! Yoga, yay! Nap, yay! Reading, yay! That sums up my day...I love Saturdays at home chillin' with my family. Sure, every room in the house is trashed and we aren't really, necessarily, exactly productive, per se. But productivity is for week days, and overachievers. Saturdays are for resting and regenerating. To-do lists be damned!

I read through all of my previous blog posts and got a good picture of the growth that has taken place over the last two years. I have really changed my habits! I realized that I don't eat pasta anymore, which was super important to me when I found it out I had to go GF. I don't even think about it anymore! Cool!

I know I can get there with bread if I was able to overcome pasta.

Here's to Saturday! Hope yours filled your cup to the brim!

I wrote the above BEFORE I learned that my mother was in a pretty bad car accident. It looks like she will be okay, but a reminder not to take a single thing for granted in this life. My little battle with bread means nothing when put into that context. Or maybe it means everything, I don't know. All I know for sure right now is that I am very grateful my mama is alive and we get to spend more time together. 

Now go out and snuggle with your loves ones. Really love them up. Soak in their smell. Get to know all of their nooks and crannies. Thank them for being with you when they could be anywhere else. Love 'em up while you can.

Breakfast:
1/2 Apple
1/2 Pkg RAW oatmeal with splash of creamer
1.5 scrambled eggs
1 Coffee with plenty of creamer

Lunch:
Leftover Coconut Shrimp Curry (YUMMY!)
Green tea with even more creamer. (I'm thinking I may also have an addiction to creamer...'one villain at a time' - I think this will be my new mantra)

Snack:
GF granola
Grapes
Pistachios

Dinner:
Grilled chicken
Broccoli

Snack:
1 Pkg RAW oatmeal with a splash of creamer (Which I sadly found out has gluten in it, so sad!)

Day 2...Starbucks, The Movies, and a Bellyache

Yesterday, I awakened from a very deep sleep, very rudely, by my alarm clock. Wake up Shawna! Stop dreaming Shawna! Time to start the day Shawna! After pressing snooze several times, it was time to drag myself away from the soft warm blankets and begin my battle with bread, uggh. Only once I got going I realized there was really no battle to be had. Sure bread was still staring me down every time I opened the cupboard, but there seems to be a respectful tolerance growing between us. A silent deal that we can coexist. Maybe bread is not the devil after all. We shall see, I reserve the right to change my mind at any point.

I am pretty dependant on coffee, so on the way home from taking my girl to school I stopped at Starbucks. I decided to change my order from the usual, grande, soy, 1.5 pump caramel macchiato, to a hazelnut macchiato (I was feeling adventurous). They accidentally put milk in it instead of soy, I asked them to change it, and when I got home it was dairy again! Very upsetting and not cool Starbucks! Don't you know I am turning a leaf and eating better now?!?! Why are you sabotaging me?!?! Very "victim" of me, I know, but seriously what's up with that? It couldn't be the Universe telling me that it's time to give up Starbucks...No, the Universe loves me too much to do such a thing (The situation was later remedied with 2 free drinks, as they do have excellent customer service).

After my short drama with Starbucks played out, the day was actually pretty relaxing. I had a great workout in the morning and found the resolve to ignore my chores and just play with my little guy for a bit. After all, I was pretty certain the chores would still be there when I was ready to tackle them, and if they weren't...BONUS!

By mid-afternoon, I had a fairly bad headache, which felt hormonal, but could totally have been withdrawals from gluten. Nothing a little Advil Migraine couldn't handle (have you tried that stuff? It is like MAGIC!). Once my headache dissipated, the dishes were starting to heckle me, so I did them up after doing a little reading for school.

All of the relaxing led up to an impromptu night out to dinner and the movies with the fam. We had a nice meal at Fishbones and the complimentary bread that came out before dinner managed to behave itself. It didn't even look at me, I was surprised! We saw The Croods, which was hilarious. And who goes to the movies without pop, candy, and popcorn - not us! It just wouldn't be right without a bellyache. So what I ate follows....I'm thinking that maybe I will need to work on reducing the sugar eventually. But, not now. One villain at a time please.



Breakfast:
1.5 Scrambled eggs
1/2 pkg. of RAW organic oatmeal with a splash of sweet Italian cream creamer
1 grande, soy, 1.5 pump Hazelnut Macchiato from Starbucks (which they made with real milk twice!)

Lunch:
1 handful of pistachios
1 pear
1 bowl of Hungarian Goulash (see prev. post for ingredients)

Snack:
Like 10 bites of my kids' frosties from Wendy's, okay maybe 15 :-/
Also about 10 fries (They are truly a weakness)

Dinner:
Coconut shrimp curry
Blood orange martini

Movies:
Popcorn
Reese's Pieces
Chewy sweetarts
Belly Ache...I'm still learning folks!

Day One - The Show Down Continues

Yesterday went well, mostly because I was still so pissed at bread that there was no chance I was going to give it the satisfaction of eating it. My success was also buoyed by my amazing husband who made delicious gluten fee brownies the night before. They were my weapon against the Challah Braid that was staring me down.

Just like any good western, the bread staked its territory once warned. Hanging out in the local saloon, staring at me menacingly every time I opened the cupboard door. Daring me to make my move. And like any sheriff trying to tame the wild west, I just ignored the stares and went about my business keeping the peace. There have been no acts of aggression...yet. But, the tension is building. As the picture shows below, I am NOT afraid.

I would call yesterday's eating a success, despite the brownies. No, maybe because of the brownies. No gluten with the exception of some trace amounts in my coconut creamer (see below to see how I feel about giving that up).

It is interesting how I feel, I am just done hearing myself talk about how hard it is to eat in a way that is right for my body. Sick. Of. It. Ready to just do what I gotta do, and if it takes brownies to do it, well then - bring it on bread!

Here is a rundown of my meals yesterday...I'll report on todays success tomorrow! (Teaser: Starbucks tried to poison me!)

Breakfast:
1.5 Scrambled eggs (cooked in coconut oil)
1 Apple
1/2 a package of RAW organic oatmeal with a splash of coconut creamer
1 coffee with more than a splash of coconut creamer (at this point I have decided that somebody will take my coconut creamer from my cold dead hands - I do have a recipe to make my own from coconut milk, but that falls onto the someday maybe category for now).

Lunch:
Green Juice (Spinach, granny smith apple, ginger, and a wedge of lemon)
2 eggs
3 brownies (Don't judge!!! They were gluten free and relatively little)

Dinner:
1 bowl of Hungarian Goulash (Beef stew meat, peppers, tomato, potato, carrots, onion, and lots of paprika)
HUGE brownie and small glass of coconut milk (Again, don't judge!)

The Show Down Begins...Again.

It's been 2 years since I created this space. I have been on quite a journey since then. In a nutshell, this journey has involved lots of gluten, some dairy, sugar, and one run-down mama. The decline has been gradual. A sandwich here. A piece of cake there. Fluffy, warm, delicious bread everywhere. I really never had a chance, I can handle a break from this stuff. But, no more bread? Really? FOREVER? I'd kinda rather die a slow death listening to nails scratch against a chalkboard. But then I realized eating poorly is kinda the same thing. Sure, fresh, buttered bread is the-most-amazing-thing-I've-ever-tasted-in-my-life in the moment I am eating it, but the way I feel afterword? Not so great, to put it lightly.

I've learned so much since starting this blog. Things like where to get the best gluten-free bread (Marie Catrib's for anybody who's wondering), and that I really can live without dairy. I have been milk-free for years, albeit not cheese free (mostly cheese free though). I have also learned to eat my veggies and how to juice. Above all I have learned that I have an addiction.

Hello, my name is Shawna and I am addicted to bread. Real bread with gluten. I will do anything to get it, including jeopardizing my health. I will lie, cheat, and steal bites from my family's sandwiches to get it. It is bad. Real bad.

But, today I went on an angry walk with myself after a disheartening morning that started with spilling coffee on the WHITE part of my favorite scarf and ended with my son falling in a muddy, oily puddle in a parking lot. And, don't even get me started on how I feel about waking up to MORE snow on the second day of Spring. You get it. I was just a little bit grumpy. So I needed to exercise. Even though I really, really just wanted to go back to bed. 

I sauntered around the track at the gym. Sulking. Head down. Not making eye contact, for fear I might growl at the passers-by. Which would be weird and quite possibly something you don't come back from. I really did not want to be known as the woman who growls at people at the gym. While contemplating these things, the song Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes started blaring in my headphones. And I started walking faster. And harder. I walked as fast as I could without running. Pounding my feet on the track in a cathartic rhythm. And then, BAM! Epiphany. I'm done with bread. I am done complaining and feeling bad about something that is completely in my control. Who chooses what I eat?!?! I DO DAMMIT! (Right?)

And just like that, I visualized the gluten filled loveliness that 'hurts me so good' across from me in an old-fashioned western show down. Both of us had our hands ready to go for our guns. It was tense, I'm not gonna lie. But, I was pissed, and even more - I was DONE feeling crappy. So I furled my brow and waited for the bread to make it's move. Just then Fergilicious (which I happen to sing as Shawna-licious) came on, and I knew my enemy had no chance. I pulled my gun and shot that bread right between the crusts. BAM!

So, that's the long way of saying I am starting again. Gluten free, bread free for real this time. I am hoping you will help me stay on the wagon. Cause, man, addiction ain't no joke. I'm gonna need all the help I can get. You may be called upon to talk me down when bread is starts taunting me again. Fluffy delisciousness needs to know there's a new sheriff in town, and I have deputies to help me run the Gluten Gang out of my life. Forever. More tomorrow on how day 1 went. It's time to go make my day.